Monday, October 27, 2014

Sex Tape

Sex Tape - 94 min - R

Blink, blink....Um....Blink. I have no words for how bad this film is. Obviously a red light film. However more disappointing: this is proof to the contrary of a point I have been making for years. If you enjoy working with a group of people on one film, don't do a sequel--make a new movie. This turd burger is brought to you from the makers of Bad Teacher. Thank you for giving me an hour and thirty minutes to reevaluate my life and enjoy the fact my life is way better than the characters you showed us. Bask in the red glow of the light you have earned.

Jay (Jason Segel) and Annie (Cameron Diaz) are in the time of their lives when you and your spouse get wrapped up in life and responsibilities you forgot to carve out some time for yourselves. So to break out of this pattern they decide to make a sex tape on the new iPad Jay has just gotten. This will bring passion and excitement to their otherwise dull boring sex life.

We thankfully don't get to see this evening of debauchery we just see the afterglow moment when they are both drifting off to sleep. "Don't forget to delete that file?" ..."Hum..Ok. I won't." Well the auto back up to the cloud happens in the morning and the rest is hijinks history.

See Jay has this habit of sharing his old iPads with friends and family. Why a person would have more than one is beyond me. He likes to keep them linked to his cloud because once he discovers great music play list everyone gets an update.

We now have the setup and like any traffic accident we see the problems coming way before the participants do. There is one person who has seen the sex show and keeps sending mysterious texts and is threatening to upload a copy to the web. So Jay and Annie spend the night trying to get all of the iPads back and deleting the offending film. Too bad they couldn't get to the production office before this movie was released.

One of the most painful scenes is the section where they try and get the iPad back from Annie's prospective buyers of her parenting blog. His company is focused on wholesome family values. She gave Hank (Rob Lowe) an iPad with a power point slide on it. Who are these people who can just toss around iPads like business cards? I want to be that rich. Well maybe not--it apparently makes you dumb.

Hank is enjoying a quiet night at home with some heavy drinking and cocaine. Annie distracts him by doing a few lines and spending time while Jay wanders through the maze of a house trying to find the iPad and avoiding the attack dog pet. This is turning point for Jay who decides to not pay the mysterious blackmailer because of his horrific experiences with the dog.

A copy goes to a porn sharing website. The only funny part in this film is Jay's attempt to watch it to judge how bad it is because they never watched it. He gets about 30 seconds in and freaks out. Their big plan is to go to the website servers and break the internet. They get caught and the owner just tells them, why didn't you just send us an email and tell us to take it down because they didn't give permission to use the tape?

The writing crew has got a lot of good work under their belt. I can't explain why this film flops so supremely. This just goes to show you even when you have a good cast and crew and talented writes sometimes they fall flat.

Like The Hangover, at the end we get to see the tape in a manner of speaking. We get to watch how bad the night was. There are no naughty bits because of creative prop placement and shot composition. This movie is not really anything. Not funny, not titillating and not worth a look. If you are locked in a room and you have a choice between watching this film or being locked away in solitary confinement for two years, think long and hard on your choice. The two years will seem like a bargain compared to the lasting damage this film could do you.

If you are a person who enjoyed this movie, first I am sorry. Second please leave a comment and tell me why you enjoyed it. I promise not to judge you.

Jason Segel looks like he is going to be ill, I know how you feel man.

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